What a neat experience today. I got to see my baby in an U/S. The little guy had his hands on his face, almost like he was frustrated. "Stop messing with me, I just want to sleep!" .... must be my kid. Too early to start comparing (haha) but it always makes me so happy when I get to see my baby. It's like a fresh new start and hope. Being so sick and depressed is hard. It's weird because I tend to forget that something so special and sacred is in me until I get an ultrasound or listen to the heartbeat... it becomes so real so fast. All my emotions of course came pouring out on me later into the night AKA now. I just think, wow my beautiful child. I want to give my child the best things in life and an eternal family and I just don't have any of that right now. My poor child is living the life in me happily and I'm happy about that because, I'm just a mess. I try so hard to be strong, for the both of us, yet sometimes it's simply too hard. And when my child finally arrives, I can't imagine how much easier it will get. I feel so hurt and upset and confused by my situation. How could my child's father be so emotionless throughout this experience? When will he become actually excited and say "WOW, that's my child"?. When will he realize that it was 50/50? When will he stop treating me like it's all my fault and I'm the mistake in his life?
I wish men could be pregnant. AND NOTICE: I usually don't like ranting about people, especially ones I care so deeply for (...that could care less about me...)... and I try so hard to be a positive, uplifting, smiling, laughing person and 7 times out of 10, I am. But this situation has been changing me. It is making me look at people and wondering who can I trust? I loved this boy and we shared great memories together, special spiritual moments, passed through life struggles together.... and he use to do everything for me, provided for me, comforted me, spent every single day with me, and now I'm having his kid. How can he just abandon me? Put me so low on his priority list and say he's "busy". With what? your full time professional job? Your pregnant ex girlfriend? Clearly not. It's more like hanging out with high school friends. Purposely trying to forget about your kid, your ex-girlfriend, the life you use to have. But why? It's there. and is going to always be there. So, no. you can't forget about it... But he shows me you absolutely can and honestly, I wish I could do the same. I wish I could forget about him... I wish I could forget all this happened. Is this what the church taught? to not man up to your consequences? to run away from consequences and not even try to make things better? make "the girl" feel like crap? Is this suppose to happen to me? Is this my dose of reality? HOLD UP. I'm sorry. I know I should be grateful and I will get to that point I promise. I just have to many emotions I am dealing with right now. Man, I can't wait to be happy all the time again. I've thought thoughts so low I don't even want to write them here or even think about them again. It's scary. and it's probably Satan. Satan wants me to feel like crap. Heavenly Father is putting me through this for a reason, I know he is. I know he won't give us more then we can handle, but sometimes I think this is it for me. I can't take anymore. I'm ready for this pain to be over. ....... and then, I remember this amazing tiny human body in me..... and there's no way I can be that selfish.
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