12 weeks

12 weeks it is! See that lil bump there? I wear flow-y shirts because really it just looks like I ate too much and honestly, feels that way too. How am I suppose to get a man with a belly like this?! Jokes... and I think I'm starting to feel better? I have a cold currently along with my pregnancy symptoms, but besides breathing at night... it's capable. Yeah, I feel like laying down all day, but honestly that would probably make me feel worse. Still feel a major fatigue though, but proud of myself for pushing on and going to school... maybe that's why I caught a cold/fever. Bottom line is at least I'm going to class haha Anyway, this week has been alright. I just really want to be happy and starting today I am going to do just that. Whatever else is thrown my way is not too much to handle. I can do this world... I ... can... do this!!! 

How Far Along?: 12 weeks +

Total Weight Gain?: 108 ...moving on up.

Maternity Clothes?: Sweatpants are life

Stretch Marks?: None yet. I've started to lotion up though.

Sleep?: My sleeping still isn't great and I hear it won't get better, but I'm keeping the faith.

Movement?: None yet, but can't wait.

Food Cravings?: Honestly, nothing really this week. I'm just thirsty a lot.

Queasy/sick?: Unfortunately. 

Gender?: Pretty sure it's a boy. 

Labor signs?: None

Symptoms?: Pretty much the same old shingdig. Except they are ever so slightly softening up. Yet, my boobs are still tender, bad mood, nausea, fatigued, and the sadness. which needs to stop.

Happy/Moody?:  I'm pretty tired, which is making me anti-social and kinda anxious. 

Relationship Status?: Happily single. Situations help you to see the real in people and I'm happy that my child will not have to suffer what I've been going through.

Miss anything?: I'm going to miss not being able to dance :(

Best Moment of the Week?:Hearing my baby's heartbeat on the doppler. Favorite sound by far.

Looking forward too?: This weekend. Get to be with my friends.

All Aboard!

Is pregnancy suppose to be this way? An up and down roller coaster ride? I just imagine this train on the tracks honking its horn, and the conductor yelling "All aboard this wild ride!" and guess what? I got on. Not knowing it would be more wild then I could ever imagine. Last night, I had so much fun being with my friends... but energy wise I just don't think I can keep up. I have to adjust accordingly, which probably means hanging out in the afternoon, but yet I'm still tired that time too. Maybe once in a couple of weeks will be okay. So, I got depressed about that this morning. I felt like I got hit by a bus, but I missed hanging out with them. I just forgot about everything until my nausea came up. Anyway, pregnancy is simply so hard emotionally and physically for me. It doesn't help with my parents divorce too. I mean everything has been finalized, but there's still lawyers getting involved because of this "he said she said" stuff. My mom can't wait to have her own place wherever she may go and the thought of me going wherever she goes too is a little frightening, but I know it's what I want and what would be best for me. I am getting too stressed out lately. I keep trying to tell myself take one day at a time, take one issue at a time, but so much easier said then done. Hopefully I get my personality back today. I want to have a good day.

11 Weeks

Excuse my RIBS in the picture, gross. and I'm a little bloated so all you may see is a bloat of fat... Yet, it's still my 11 weeks and I'm going strong. Yet, another okay day today. Heard the baby's heartbeat... 175 h/r. Eating more, weighing more, things are looking alright. Starting to focus on just myself and I think it's starting to work. It helps that my mom is coming back too. Week 11 survey, here we go!

How Far Along?: 11 weeks +

Total Weight Gain?: 106

Maternity Clothes?: Sweatpants and spandex ALL DAY.

Stretch Marks?: None.

Sleep?: Haven't been getting much. 

Movement?: Saw my baby move on U/S. It was awesome.  

Food Cravings?: Just salty things, but that's nothing new. 

Queasy/sick?: Unfortunately. 

Gender?: The suspense is killing me. 

Labor signs?: None

Symptoms?: Same as last week: "Boobs still hurt, always tired, nausea creeps up whenever it wants, I'm bloated like a whale, I still can't eat normally, but it's getting better, and I still get depressed time to time". 

Happy/Moody?: I feel ok. 

Relationship Status?: Single

Miss anything?: Energy

Best Moment of the Week?: By far seeing my baby in the u/s and hearing the heartbeat. Really cool. 

Looking forward too?: Sleep... I know I'm boring this week haha

Good Day

I'm a little let down, but I'm not dead. That is theme for today. I had a really good day at school and I had simply just a really good day. I spoke with my Bishop and why do I love him so much? He just tells me things I wish people told me everyday. I love talking to him, I love him, and I love Bishops. Everything is feeling right. I have my down days (like last night's rant) but I am focusing on myself and getting back on the right path. So YEAH, maybe I cry every night.... but knowing that my baby would be so proud of me right now, for what I am doing and the path I am heading on..... feels great. Usually wednesday's are when people are most miserable. But not me :) Happy Hump Day Everybody :) Stay cute. 

Official Ultrasound Picture: 1

Little, tiny human hands, up on *his face. Looks like *he's covering his ears.... already not listening to *his mama... GREATTTTTTTTT :) Even with everything that is going on, this puts it all aside for a moment.


*Gender subject to change

ultraSOUND day ... and other feelings.

              What a neat experience today. I got to see my baby in an U/S. The little guy had his hands on his face, almost like he was frustrated. "Stop messing with me, I just want to sleep!" .... must be my kid. Too early to start comparing (haha) but it always makes me so happy when I get to see my baby. It's like a fresh new start and hope. Being so sick and depressed is hard. It's weird because I tend to forget that something so special and sacred is in me until I get an ultrasound or listen to the heartbeat... it becomes so real so fast. All my emotions of course came pouring out on me later into the night AKA now. I just think, wow my beautiful child. I want to give my child the best things in life and an eternal family and I just don't have any of that right now. My poor child is living the life in me happily and I'm happy about that because, I'm just a mess. I try so hard to be strong, for the both of us, yet sometimes it's simply too hard. And when my child finally arrives, I can't imagine how much easier it will get. I feel so hurt and upset and confused by my situation. How could my child's father be so emotionless throughout this experience? When will he become actually excited and say "WOW, that's my child"?. When will he realize that it was 50/50? When will he stop treating me like it's all my fault and I'm the mistake in his life?
                I wish men could be pregnant. AND NOTICE: I usually don't like ranting about people, especially ones I care so deeply for (...that could care less about me...)... and I try so hard to be a positive, uplifting, smiling, laughing person and 7 times out of 10, I am. But this situation has been changing me. It is making me look at people and wondering who can I trust? I loved this boy and we shared great memories together, special spiritual moments, passed through life struggles together.... and he use to do everything for me, provided for me, comforted me, spent every single day with me, and now I'm having his kid. How can he just abandon me? Put me so low on his priority list and say he's "busy". With what? your full time professional job? Your pregnant ex girlfriend? Clearly not. It's more like hanging out with high school friends. Purposely trying to forget about your kid, your ex-girlfriend, the life you use to have. But why? It's there. and is going to always be there. So, no. you can't forget about it... But he shows me you absolutely can and honestly, I wish I could do the same. I wish I could forget about him... I wish I could forget all this happened. Is this what the church taught? to not man up to your consequences? to run away from consequences and not even try to make things better? make "the girl" feel like crap? Is this suppose to happen to me? Is this my dose of reality? HOLD UP. I'm sorry. I know I should be grateful and I will get to that point I promise. I just have to many emotions I am dealing with right now. Man, I can't wait to be happy all the time again. I've thought thoughts so low I don't even want to write them here or even think about them again. It's scary. and it's probably Satan. Satan wants me to feel like crap. Heavenly Father is putting me through this for a reason, I know he is. I know he won't give us more then we can handle, but sometimes I think this is it for me. I can't take anymore. I'm ready for this pain to be over. ....... and then, I remember this amazing tiny human body in me..... and there's no way I can be that selfish.

Early morning reality advice because I just finished throwing up

Currently just laying down on the bathroom floor because I woke up with severe nausea , took something for it and my body rejected it. So chilling next to the toilet just in case I need to throw up AGAIN, four times this morning already, new record?  while y'all are sleeping soundly in bed because it's 6 in the morning and classes start today. Not jealous. I may just be a little tired today haha anyway, I just have some little harsh reality advice to share for those younger ones that "think" they're in love. I can't go back to sleep with it on my mind, so I have to get it out. (Thank goodness for blogging)
You get to learn a lot and I mean A LOT about someone when life changing experiences happen with them. But, if I could tell myself a couple things before all of this mess happened, it'd be to follow my gut. I wanted to break up with him before I got too attached and because I knew he was preparing for a mission and I didn't want to be in the way of that vision. Yet, he didn't see that way of viewing things and I gave it a shot....a couple shots ... And before I knew it, I was hooked. You learn to get so comfortable with someone and when that's gone, feels like the whole world stops. Felt like my whole world came to a drastic stop and his just kept going. But the harsh reality advice, doesn't matter what age, religion, or attractiveness level... What I have learned and still am being reminded constantly of, is that putting out won't make him "love" you (more) and a baby won't make him stay. Obviously.