All Aboard!

Is pregnancy suppose to be this way? An up and down roller coaster ride? I just imagine this train on the tracks honking its horn, and the conductor yelling "All aboard this wild ride!" and guess what? I got on. Not knowing it would be more wild then I could ever imagine. Last night, I had so much fun being with my friends... but energy wise I just don't think I can keep up. I have to adjust accordingly, which probably means hanging out in the afternoon, but yet I'm still tired that time too. Maybe once in a couple of weeks will be okay. So, I got depressed about that this morning. I felt like I got hit by a bus, but I missed hanging out with them. I just forgot about everything until my nausea came up. Anyway, pregnancy is simply so hard emotionally and physically for me. It doesn't help with my parents divorce too. I mean everything has been finalized, but there's still lawyers getting involved because of this "he said she said" stuff. My mom can't wait to have her own place wherever she may go and the thought of me going wherever she goes too is a little frightening, but I know it's what I want and what would be best for me. I am getting too stressed out lately. I keep trying to tell myself take one day at a time, take one issue at a time, but so much easier said then done. Hopefully I get my personality back today. I want to have a good day.

11 Weeks

Excuse my RIBS in the picture, gross. and I'm a little bloated so all you may see is a bloat of fat... Yet, it's still my 11 weeks and I'm going strong. Yet, another okay day today. Heard the baby's heartbeat... 175 h/r. Eating more, weighing more, things are looking alright. Starting to focus on just myself and I think it's starting to work. It helps that my mom is coming back too. Week 11 survey, here we go!

How Far Along?: 11 weeks +

Total Weight Gain?: 106

Maternity Clothes?: Sweatpants and spandex ALL DAY.

Stretch Marks?: None.

Sleep?: Haven't been getting much. 

Movement?: Saw my baby move on U/S. It was awesome.  

Food Cravings?: Just salty things, but that's nothing new. 

Queasy/sick?: Unfortunately. 

Gender?: The suspense is killing me. 

Labor signs?: None

Symptoms?: Same as last week: "Boobs still hurt, always tired, nausea creeps up whenever it wants, I'm bloated like a whale, I still can't eat normally, but it's getting better, and I still get depressed time to time". 

Happy/Moody?: I feel ok. 

Relationship Status?: Single

Miss anything?: Energy

Best Moment of the Week?: By far seeing my baby in the u/s and hearing the heartbeat. Really cool. 

Looking forward too?: Sleep... I know I'm boring this week haha

Good Day

I'm a little let down, but I'm not dead. That is theme for today. I had a really good day at school and I had simply just a really good day. I spoke with my Bishop and why do I love him so much? He just tells me things I wish people told me everyday. I love talking to him, I love him, and I love Bishops. Everything is feeling right. I have my down days (like last night's rant) but I am focusing on myself and getting back on the right path. So YEAH, maybe I cry every night.... but knowing that my baby would be so proud of me right now, for what I am doing and the path I am heading on..... feels great. Usually wednesday's are when people are most miserable. But not me :) Happy Hump Day Everybody :) Stay cute. 

Official Ultrasound Picture: 1

Little, tiny human hands, up on *his face. Looks like *he's covering his ears.... already not listening to *his mama... GREATTTTTTTTT :) Even with everything that is going on, this puts it all aside for a moment.


*Gender subject to change

ultraSOUND day ... and other feelings.

              What a neat experience today. I got to see my baby in an U/S. The little guy had his hands on his face, almost like he was frustrated. "Stop messing with me, I just want to sleep!" .... must be my kid. Too early to start comparing (haha) but it always makes me so happy when I get to see my baby. It's like a fresh new start and hope. Being so sick and depressed is hard. It's weird because I tend to forget that something so special and sacred is in me until I get an ultrasound or listen to the heartbeat... it becomes so real so fast. All my emotions of course came pouring out on me later into the night AKA now. I just think, wow my beautiful child. I want to give my child the best things in life and an eternal family and I just don't have any of that right now. My poor child is living the life in me happily and I'm happy about that because, I'm just a mess. I try so hard to be strong, for the both of us, yet sometimes it's simply too hard. And when my child finally arrives, I can't imagine how much easier it will get. I feel so hurt and upset and confused by my situation. How could my child's father be so emotionless throughout this experience? When will he become actually excited and say "WOW, that's my child"?. When will he realize that it was 50/50? When will he stop treating me like it's all my fault and I'm the mistake in his life?
                I wish men could be pregnant. AND NOTICE: I usually don't like ranting about people, especially ones I care so deeply for (...that could care less about me...)... and I try so hard to be a positive, uplifting, smiling, laughing person and 7 times out of 10, I am. But this situation has been changing me. It is making me look at people and wondering who can I trust? I loved this boy and we shared great memories together, special spiritual moments, passed through life struggles together.... and he use to do everything for me, provided for me, comforted me, spent every single day with me, and now I'm having his kid. How can he just abandon me? Put me so low on his priority list and say he's "busy". With what? your full time professional job? Your pregnant ex girlfriend? Clearly not. It's more like hanging out with high school friends. Purposely trying to forget about your kid, your ex-girlfriend, the life you use to have. But why? It's there. and is going to always be there. So, no. you can't forget about it... But he shows me you absolutely can and honestly, I wish I could do the same. I wish I could forget about him... I wish I could forget all this happened. Is this what the church taught? to not man up to your consequences? to run away from consequences and not even try to make things better? make "the girl" feel like crap? Is this suppose to happen to me? Is this my dose of reality? HOLD UP. I'm sorry. I know I should be grateful and I will get to that point I promise. I just have to many emotions I am dealing with right now. Man, I can't wait to be happy all the time again. I've thought thoughts so low I don't even want to write them here or even think about them again. It's scary. and it's probably Satan. Satan wants me to feel like crap. Heavenly Father is putting me through this for a reason, I know he is. I know he won't give us more then we can handle, but sometimes I think this is it for me. I can't take anymore. I'm ready for this pain to be over. ....... and then, I remember this amazing tiny human body in me..... and there's no way I can be that selfish.

Early morning reality advice because I just finished throwing up

Currently just laying down on the bathroom floor because I woke up with severe nausea , took something for it and my body rejected it. So chilling next to the toilet just in case I need to throw up AGAIN, four times this morning already, new record?  while y'all are sleeping soundly in bed because it's 6 in the morning and classes start today. Not jealous. I may just be a little tired today haha anyway, I just have some little harsh reality advice to share for those younger ones that "think" they're in love. I can't go back to sleep with it on my mind, so I have to get it out. (Thank goodness for blogging)
You get to learn a lot and I mean A LOT about someone when life changing experiences happen with them. But, if I could tell myself a couple things before all of this mess happened, it'd be to follow my gut. I wanted to break up with him before I got too attached and because I knew he was preparing for a mission and I didn't want to be in the way of that vision. Yet, he didn't see that way of viewing things and I gave it a shot....a couple shots ... And before I knew it, I was hooked. You learn to get so comfortable with someone and when that's gone, feels like the whole world stops. Felt like my whole world came to a drastic stop and his just kept going. But the harsh reality advice, doesn't matter what age, religion, or attractiveness level... What I have learned and still am being reminded constantly of, is that putting out won't make him "love" you (more) and a baby won't make him stay. Obviously.

Physical Worries: #1

              There's a lot of worries in pregnancy pertaining to your body physically and I have had a lot more then just one... But, I figured I'd start today so that's why this is number uno. Morning sickness isn't just in the morning, it's all day. Yet, I have been waking up abruptly and with no time to grab a cracker or that zofran, I'm running to the toilet to throw up... acid. I have nothing to throw up, yet my body wants it out. It's horrible. It's annoying. and I'm clearly not use to it. What was different about today was while I was throwing up my yellow goodstuff (EXPLICIT) I saw streaks of blood in it as well. This freaked me hecka out. Blood just freaks me out in general, but this was something totally new and different. It sounds ridiculous, but I literally thought I was coughing up/throwing up my baby. Weird things can happen man and along with that weird thoughts. Anyway, I called my doctor, but today there office was closed so I talked to my brother in law who happens to be an amazing ER doctor and was luckily at work this morning so he was up when my nausea woke me up at 7:00 am. Talk about I don't need an alarm clock. 
               Anyway, you are probably wondering what the Doc said. Apparently it's just an irritation from throwing up. I can feel it now it just seems like it's from my throat because of how dry it is. I know I shouldn't be telling ya'll what to do because I don't even do it, but it's very important to stay hydrated. Dehydration causes a lot of problems and it's something that I really need to start taking more seriously. Moral of the story: thin streaks of blood in your vomit is okay, it's when its gushing and lots of it when a "freak-out" may be necessary. Also, maybe forcing yourself to eat a hot dog isn't the best thing to do when your not eating the best. I am craving a J-dawg so bad, but my baby ain't! THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. Needless to say, my butt will be staying home this friday night. Yeah, I feel depressed, but I'm too tired to do anything. Hopefully my energy and mood will be much better tomorrow. For now, it's "Diners, Drives-ins, and Dives" time. Happy Friday Everybody :) 

10 Weeks

Happy 10 weeks for me! Okay, so I don't look like I have the "baby bump" yet, but I sure feel like it! Being bloated for over a month is not the business. My petite body image everyone sees, is not what I am seeing or feeling. Alright, as usual this week has been kinda rough with the sickness. Yet, today wasn't too bad. I had a busy day of unpacking my stuff at my new location since I moved out of the "college town" and then I had to handle some school stuff so I went on about a 35-40 minute drive to my new college. Met up with my two besties and went back home. I have realized keeping busy is a good thing to do with everything that's going on in my life right now BUT it's hard to do, when there are random days you just want to quit on everything and everyone. However, today my mood is positive. It's not to say I haven't had any nausea, but I feel it getting better. Oh, and I miss my mom a lot. I love my friends and my sisters, but there is just something about your mom that makes you feel safe and good. I miss her crazy but comforting self. Even though with the whole pregnancy notice our relationship wasn't heading the right way, she has finally accepted it and is treating me like her child now which is nice. I know I'm 21 but sometimes I still just want to be a child. But now I'm having a child so that's not gonna work. Anyway, enough about my mood and day... let's get on to the weekly pregnancy survey! woop woop! 

How Far Along?: 10 weeks baby

Total Weight Gain?: I haven't checked my weight this week, but I have to be gaining. 

Maternity Clothes?: None yet. though sweatpants and spandex are my life right now. 

Stretch Marks?: None.

Sleep?: sleep is alright, yesterday was not okay, but I'm working on a comfortable position. 

Movement?: None, yet. 

Food Cravings?: I craved doritos, and I got doritos. That is all you need to know.

Queasy/sick?: This week, HECK YEAH, today... mild. 

Gender?: The suspense is killing me. 

Labor signs?: None

Symptoms?: Boobs still hurt, always tired, nausea creeps up whenever it wants, I'm bloated like a whale, I still can't eat normally, but it's getting better, and I still get depressed time to time. 

Happy/Moody?: I Good day today, feeling blessed.

Relationship Status?: Single

Miss anything?: I miss my sister Randii.  

Best Moment of the Week?: Keyla, Sandra, and my mom's words, advice, and love this week.

Looking forward too?: My ultrasound next week!!!! I get to see my baby. oh and school starting because that will keep me busy! 

9 Weeks

Those pictures pretty much sum up my last couple of weeks. First found out I was pregnant by a pregnancy test on July 12th! woop woop! Still didn't believe it so I got a blood test... POSITIVE. Yet, I still just couldn't believe it. But then I got an ultrasound and saw my little baby's heart beating. It started to become real. It became even realer when I ended up in the ER twice in the same week because I feel like I'm having the life sucked out of me by an "olive" sized creature aka MY BABY <3 I say I am 10 weeks, but my ultrasound tech begs to differ, so 9 weeks estimated it is! Here's my weekly pregnancy quiz: 


How Far Along?: 9 weeks strong
Total Weight Gain?: I've actually been loosing weight, which ain't good ya'll I'm 103 lbs. right now. 
Maternity Clothes?: Still can't do it haha but still don't need it either
Stretch Marks?: None...yet.
Sleep?: EGHHHH I could be sleeping better. 
Movement?: None, yet. 
Food Cravings?: I crave so much, but lately it's been pizza which I still can't keep down :( 
Queasy/sick?: ALL DAY , ERR' DAY
Gender?: Don't know yet ;/ One more month!!!!!!! AHHHH
Labor signs?: None
Symptoms?: ughhh what is not a symptom? My boobs kill! I have morning sickness al day, today I was throwing up, I'm constantly bloated, this may be TMI but I'm constipated, and that's all I can think of right now. 
Happy/Moody?: I had a happy day, but right now I'm moody for some reason.
Relationship Status?: got that single life going on
Miss anything?: besides my ex, eating food, and my family's unity....nothing. 
Best Moment of the Week?: knowing I have a second family and friends who care so much about me.
Looking forward too?: being 10 weeks officially and my next doctor appt. on the 28th of August! woop woop!

I'm Pregnant

Alright world, here it is, : I'm 21, single, and pregnant! You now know more then my extended family and even some friends! I figured I just need to embrace it and that's what I am going to do. My life is not going as planned, my life seems like a hot mess, my life has taken a course that I, nor the baby's father, was prepared for, and my life is simply CHALLENGING (right now). But you know what? I've realized that it is OKAY. I am going to be okay! My ex is freaking out right now and by freaking out I mean: we're not speaking to each other, he's uncomfortable around me, it seems that he wants nothing to do with me or the kid... and you know what? That's fine too. His life is changing, maybe not physically like my body, but I know he had dreams and goals that have been taken away as well. I just need to give him space and time, till we can at least start communicating again. Eventually, maybe, we can be friends. We were both young, dumb, and in love (well I guess one of us were...). Now, it's Go Time!... I have to grow up. I have to keep healthy, I have to move on in life whether it's with my kid's father or not. and you know what? It's okay. I haven't always thought this way. At first, I was HECKA scared. I started looking for places that my ex and I could live, I started looking for jobs to help pay for this place, I started looking into civil marriages and the steps towards a temple marriage... I thought through it all! I started freaking out even more when the baby's father told me he would never marry me. That was the second red flag in that my life is not going the way planned. Yet, throughout everything and with the help of my friends, family, and Heavenly Father, I have this piece of hope and faith THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. Thanks for reading/checking out my blog and I hope you enjoy living through my pregnancy and current life situations with me! 

XOXO -BTO